Jodie Mae
- Sep 1, 2021

Project Me

[August 8, 2021 diary entry] After doing so well of not drinking over the past 6 and so weeks, in lockdown, I over drank last night leaving me feeling really sick and utterly ashamed of myself. I hardly slept because of it, and my anxiety level increased exponentially. What was I doing to myself, drinking alone - hating myself. That's not who I want to be.

After constant thoughts of ending my life, and some few failed attempts, I finally can say I want to live. I choose to live.

But in this current world we live in, to be honest, it's so hard to do. This world has taken away most of who I am - the person I was searching for for the longest time, and began to find. I'm lost.

All the relationships I have, I feel like I'm burdening them or holding them hostage because of my personal faults and insecurities. I feel unworthy of love - so I push.

I'm sitting out on my balcony, wrapped tightly in an oversized jacket, my stomach in knots and bloated because of all the acidity. Is this my wake up call? Has this shook me into not allowing this world to get the better of me? I have to be

stronger than this.

I need to change.

I finally get myself out of the depths of self-pity and loathness and start to walk around my apartment, mumbling to myself, trying to find some sort of answer or comfort. I then head over to my bookshelf, and grabbed an old friend I used to carry with me everyday.

I started reading Cleo Wade's Heart Talk book again from the beginning. I forgot how powerful the words in this book are and how much it impacted me (in a positive way) on my dark days. Cleo Wade is a poet, an artist, a storyteller and an inspiration. Her spirituality and poetically infused wisdom is poured into this book in hopes to inspire, empower and to find peace. She starts off with a letter directed to me, the reader. Straightaway, there are two paragraphs that hit me.

"What I've learned by having my heart in pieces is that our stories are important. They help us take our pieces and build something new. And if we build with love they can help us build even something better than what we had before."

"When we get real and honest and raw about what we go through, we have the power to turn our words into medicine and our experiences into wisdom."

As uncomfortable as I am to be stripped from my guard, and be naked, I want to be real. The last two and a half years have been really hard for me - I struggled with my confidence, my worth, I've felt lonely and insignificant. Also at times I feel like I'm going crazy, because of all this heaviness I feel in my head and on my chest. There's just so much noise - it makes me want to scream!

Reading Cleo Wade's Heart Talk book again, has been my saving grace (over and over again.) Earlier on I said I need to change. But it's really I need to re-discover. This book is a reminder of my strength and it's a reminder to be kind and compassionate not only to myself but to others around me. We are more okay than what we think. If you ever need a forever friend or a companion, I totally recommend you grab this book.

I also bought her second book Where to Begin, which already is helping me to stay connected to hope during these tough times. I believe there is beauty in the world. So I choose to live, love and cherish - actually I'm re-choosing, and will continue to make a valid effort to regularly re-choose it.

It's a process though, and I'm ok to take it one step at a time to find my footing again. I start by going back to the basics/ my foundation - and that's by doing what I love. One love of mine I know for sure is this blog - I love writing, playing with fashion and being able to share my passions with you. I may have been gone for a few months, but I will always come back.

As we're currently in lockdown here in Sydney I shot this photostory at home in my studio apartment. And because I've been wearing sweats since day 1, I needed a break so I decided to elevate my casual at home look with this cute knit cami and cardi set from Sheike. I adore this set so much as it's super soft on the skin; I adore the cute gold and pearl button detailing and I for sure adore the colour, which I find quite fitting as it's a calming colour associated with love, kindness and femininity. I paired them with my go-to ripped mom jeans by Topshop and kept it simple with minimal jewelry and no make-up (one of the positives about being in lockdown is that I don't have to wear make-up every day - I can just let my skin breathe!)

Speaking of breathing, let's take a moment to take 3 deep breaths.

No matter how much work we do on ourselves stress and anxiety will still show up. They are unavoidable visitors. Let us accept this. When they come acknowledge their arrival, evaluate what invited them in, and recognise they are just guests - they will eventually leave because ultimately they know they have no home within your sacred self. No matter how overwhelming the feelings that come with stress and anxiety are, we must always remember that we are human, and though we may not be able to control their arrival, we always have the power to release them.

So pause. Breath slowly and deliberately. Remember your strength.

Thank you for reading xoxo.

It was time, so I said yes.

I said yes to living,

I said yes to loving

I said yes to being

My….

Self

Illuminated

Unafraid

- Cleo Wade

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